Let’s talk attachment theory shall we.
Attachment theory was studied by Ainsley and Bowlby in the 1960’s and 70s, the subject was the attachment between children and parents. In the 1980s the theory started to look at attachment in love that was founded in our childhoods.
Love involves constant work, choices, commitment, effort..should I carry on with my list of adjectives? Loves demands an understanding between two people for each other and for themselves.
Disclaimer you are not your attachment style, it can change, you are how you deal with your attachment style. This blog post isn’t here to make you feel bad, its to enlighten and offer understanding.
There are 4 styles of attachment love:
Lets dive in!
1. Secure attachment
This gives you a great advantage in love and probs life, you feel comfortable going to your partner when something is off, but you also allow them freedom to be themselves and to do what they like to do.
A secure attachment style in a relationship tends to see an open, honest and equal partnership, where two people are growing together and have established a healthy foundation to build upon.
This definitely sounds somewhat to good to be true, however secure doesn’t equal perfection. These couples can still argue and have bad days, simply their emotional intelligence is higher than this of different attachment styles. When the going gets tough, communication prevails, feelings and emotions are discussed and effectively tackled.
2. Anxious-preoccupied
An anxious-preoccupied attachment style tends to romanticise love, an individual with this attachment finds it easier to form a bond based off of fantasy than reality and are often attracted to partners that they can save or in turn who can save them.
Someone with this attachment style can be obsessive, demanding, clingy and over analyse situations and have mood swings. A turbulent toxic relationship could get mistaken for passion.
They can struggle from insecurities, low self-esteem and have a hard time establishing a strong sense of self, this is thought to be because they grew up without healthy boundaries and little to no guidance on nurturing their individuality.
3. Dismissive-Avoidant
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style sees an individual whom is distant in relationships and can come across as self-sufficient, independent and can avoid genuine intimacy.
They tend to have more space more frequently as a way to avoid being vulnerable and ultimately push their partner away. If their partner were to threaten to leave and break-up, a dismissive-avoidant individual would switch off their emotions and pretend that they do not care.
But the independence they seek is an illusion , as human beings we need connection to survive, they tend to have little connect with few people.
4. Fearful Avoidant
Fearful avoidant attachment style is an intricate mixture of being fearful of becoming too close to someone and also fearful of being a distant partner. They can be unpredictable and overwhelmed by their own emotions, however they do understand that in order to have connection with people they do need to approach individuals in order to find love. But when people get too close they tend to hurt them.
They have a fear of being abandoned, but also struggle having confidence in their partner and relying on them. They face a lot of inner-conflict; wanting intimacy but also avoiding it. This results in a tumultuous relationship that sees many peaks and troughs.
This attachment style can mean an individual will cling to their partner even if they have hurt them or rejected them. Also, there is usually less connection with other people.
Once you have learned about your attachment style and have understood and accepted it, it is the key to recognising how and when it affects your relationship. Easier said than done, I know. But we all deserve a better bounce back than what we may have been given from our childhoods.
#rerlationships #conflictmanagement #attachment #howtoimproverelationships #whatattachmenttypeami #attachmenttheoryinrelationships
Spilling tea with tamara 